Do not torture yourself with shallow water

What is love like?  A red, red rose?  Hell? Blind? 

Does it make the world go round, or mess up our hearts and minds?

Is Social Psychologist Erich Fromm right when he says that "Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence."? 

This week I've been thinking a lot about love, in preparation for a Valentine's week workshop I ran last night for the fabulous Fresh Air group here in Brighton. @FreshAirBtn

What other aspect of our lives sparks such joy, contentment, regret and outright fear (not to say 'squeamishness' as one brave participant had it).  In a week associated with grand gestures, hallmark schmaltz and, for many, a greater sense of loneliness, it was interesting that our participants focussed not just on romantic love, but on love in its broadest senses.

The Greeks, who perhaps knew a thing or two, identified no less than six different kinds of love….

Philia - a deep but usually non-sexual intimacy between close friends and family; or as a deep bond of 'brotherhood' between soldiers 

Ludus - a playful affection found in fooling around or flirting

Pragma - the mature love that develops between long-term couples and involves actively practising goodwill, commitment, compromise and understanding. 

Agape - a more generalised love for all of humanity

Philautia - self love 

and finally, the sometimes troublesome

Eros - sexual passion and desire

And yet many modern images of love would have us searching for the one person who can give us all of this; who will make us ‘complete’... 

I am especially fond of Dr Seuss’ definition of love: "We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." 

We like to think that we will love unconditionally.  But its hard.  We are making micro deals with our loved ones, and ourselves, all the time.  We make conditions - I’ll love you (more) if you......  And as potentially undermining of love as these are, they are nothing compared with the conditions we have created for ourselves in our heads - that people would love us (more) if only we were......  We create elaborate ways in which we may not be enough; may not be loveable just as we are. 

Love hurts.  Or at least the feeling of rejection often associated with its withdrawal does.  So it is hardly surprising that we tread carefully for fear of getting hurt; that we hold a part of us back just in case.  

Kahil Gibran tells us that this is only half loving: "But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears."

Or in the words of a Bulgarian proverb: “If you wish to drown, do not torture yourself with shallow water” 

We may tell ourselves say we will open up, reveal our true selves, when we meet someone we trust and can love….  and so we carry on hiding.

We usually think we are the only ones doing this, that everyone else has it sussed.  But imagine a room, a town, a world full of people all protecting their vulnerabilities, their darkness.  In such a world of dares, who is going to go first? 

In my experience of working with dozens of individuals one-to-one and in workshops like The Mastery of Self Expression, it is when we have the courage to show up with all of our faults, all of our anger and fear, all of our sadness, that we are most loveable; when we are indeed all beautiful…. 

Do let me know what you think